Retrospective

For the past several weeks, there has been all this buzz about the pregnant man. You’ve heard it, I’m sure.

But, what we’re talking about is essentially a woman who has turned herself into a man, complete with a moustache, and who still wanted to enjoy one of the elemental things that defines a woman. That in itself is probably the basis of an interesting psychological discussion, yet to continue to talk about the pregnant man having given birth is inaccurate because the entire event was made possible due to the existing female mechanics still in place from his/her birth.

It really would be exciting for numerous reasons were it really, truly a pregnant man. Can you imagine that?

First of all, when they’re sick, men can be babies. I can’t even imagine most men I know dealing with the rigors of morning sickness. The nausea and inability to cope with smells would be too much for them. It would be the beginning of nine months that his wife would WISH she were the pregnant one.

Then, there are maternity clothes. There’s always an abundance of medium and small maternity clothes in the stores – off the rack would not work (not to mention even a pregnant man would not be caught in a pink ‘baby on board’ t-shirt). So, in the same way designer Liz Lange came out with a line of fashionable maternity clothing for Target, some menswear designer would have to do the same. There would be nice wool trousers with stretchy panels in the front and coordinating button down shirts. Maybe extra long ties to go over the belly? Maternity wear has changed a lot in recent years – going from merely tenting the bump to more form-fitting looks that showcase it. My guess is that men would probably prefer the tented look. They’d just wear tennis shoes the whole time, but in a bigger size to accommodate the swollen feet.

As the pregnancy progressed and the discomfort grew, he would become more and more irritated all the time. It would be the biggest deal that ever was, as though there had never been another pregnancy before. No woman’s pregnancy could in any way compare to his experience! Every discussion would involve his discomfort and awareness of all of the weird things that happen to your body when you’re pregnant. Instead of just dealing, he’d be talking about it and whining…a lot. He’d be ready to deliver around 7 months and the remaining two months would be pure hell.

Then, when the delivery date finally arrived, he’d surely pick the epidural. (I’m not making any judgments there…I picked it too…but I’m not sure most men measure up to the wonder women I know who did it without epidurals). He’d also scream through the process since he wouldn’t have been paying attention during Lamaze class. Oh, and then there’s the minor matter of…shall we say…how that baby is getting out? Surely, they’d recommend a Cesarean, right? They wouldn’t have the patience for the hours of pushing.

He’d insist they also do a full tummy tuck at the same time to immediately return his physique to its pre-pregnancy state before leaving the hospital. The hospital staff would throw a party when the post-partum men left the hospital, weary of the constant bedside calls and ongoing complaints.

If all of this isn’t reason enough that women should just continue doing it themselves, because, as with most things, they do it better, I don’t know what is!